When One Door Closes

We’ve read and heard the tales of couples who try for years to have a baby and then as soon as they divert their attention elsewhere they are hit with it in the belly. This is not that. A few years ago, Hubby and I met with the general doctors and the cancer doctors and the fertility doctors, so we believe that we have a full view of what’s <not> going on in my uterus and, unfortunately; there is no passage through this way.

Recently we’ve just come through a cycle of great decision when we decided to put building a business <together> above all else. For the time being, our entire foreseeable future will be dedicated toward our baby business. We’ve come to terms with this and to be honest, for the first time in a very very long time, we feel like we are in the driving seat again. Fast forward from five or six years ago since we began our very in-deep dive into all the things regarding female anatomy from assisted fertility to high-risk pregnancy complications.

For the thousands of other couples who know this struggle, it’s known to tear people apart. The loss of the opportunity to have a child is recorded in the brain as a loss equal to losing a child. The very real and very painful grieving process will set in and quite likely is the couple will not come out of it together. With the help of our longtime marriage counselor and the much needed support of our closest family, our marriage endured the heartbreak. We are still very much in-love & like with each other and now we are staring down the barrel of a business plan with <hopefully> twenty years ahead of us to raise it right.

About the owners: Hubby and I are both people of trauma with some mental or emotional disturbances which can flare up from time to time. Life is not easy over here but we are doing our part, finding our way, and aligning our stars! We’re working directly with our local neighbors and international travelers to get the full scope of what Peace and Healing means for them. What are we planning for? To build an accessible wellness business, the DIY way! What’s our strategy? Affordable, slow and steady to win, always! What are we playing for? Personal time and financial freedom while paving a way for others who want a life after trauma.

Currently we are under contract in a Las Vegas boutique office complex. We found a great match in our office management team! We are hand in hand with Clark County while they walk us through the entire process of applying for a business license (which, in reality, has turned into three business licenses). We recently found a STEAL of a bargain on some necessary office equipment and personally downsized our vehicles from two to one. Because our budget doesn’t allow for many extras right now, we continue to scour the local maps, markets and ads for more deals & steals that align with our business’ needs. Although it just looks like we’ve drained our savings and continue to put all our extra pennies into the process of approval, we have our sights set on the end result: a local space dedicated for relaxation and healing from daily struggles. Please stay tuned in for our official Opening Day announcement!

She Who Broke Up With Alcohol

Just recently my focus has transformed from self-doubt and worry to confidence in what can be done. I am an American woman in my early thirties and it appears to be getting more and more intricate for us to live a life in true happiness. I’ve spent thousands of dollars or hundreds of hours with highly trained professionals to confirm that life shift happens and no amount of calendar planning will avoid this. With each move we make toward the end of the rainbow, there are these storms up ahead that we have to prepare for. ←THIS is NORMAL.

My transformation was unexpected, to say the least. I really had not taken into consideration all the head trash that would find its way to the surface once the Veil of Alcohol had been lifted… the first challenge I was meant to encounter was the wedding for my sister, set to happen within the first thirty days of no alcohol. Just prior to that I was knocked off balance as I was dramatically let go from my job. On day 17, in the blink of an eye, I was side-checked by failure and rejection; seemingly in spite of the fact that I was making decisions for the betterment of my life: kicking out alcohol, moving to another state, building a fresh start and change of scenery for Hubby and myself.

By August I was feeling the crash. I was landing smack dab in the middle of my life’s problems <past and present combined and intertwined>  AND … I had no alcohol to back me up or brace for the impact. I fell face to face with some serious internal stuffage and I wasn’t really prepared for the personal internal chatter that happens when the brain is no longer bathing in booze. On the inside, I was already preparing for that celebratory drink I would get to hold on July 10, 2019. Booze was one of the best friends I had to rely on and as a safety, I told myself, we would be back together again soon. <again with the internal chitter chatter>

I’ve since learned that my transformation was unintentionally activated by my decision to break up with alcohol, however temporary or permanent that decision was meant to be. I’ve since been spinning my wheels hard to the ground; charging through school after our rapid move to Vegas, on the back of my grandmother’s passing. October nearly broke me. I repeat, October nearly broke me. And so did March. With each passing day, I was feeling tested and pushed to the limits and quite frankly, pushed beyond my limits at times. The experts will tell us that this period of despair ←this is NORMAL. “It’s like a slingshot” they say, “you need to be pulled back <to max resistance> before you can be let go and propelled forward to soar in the sky.” Month by month, I was beginning to feel like I had hit my max resistance!

As I am now approaching 365 days without alcohol, I am living with my eyes wide open not only to recognize struggles we may face up ahead but also pay mad respects to reclaiming my life with happiness. I’d been living in darkness, fear and suppression for too damn long. I’ll spare you the podium talk for now, and simply say that living with love and kindness and flexibility are much more my style. These are the cornerstones of a great self-discovery & recovery plan. For me to be in such a place of stability and comfort is no joke and in all my life, I cannot recall feeling this good.

I say to you, thankfully, I never have to go back through those early phases of recovery again. The booze brain has been lifted from my senses. I can choose to say no to alcohol, minute by minute and day by day. A great counselor once said that I have permission to live in 5 hour increments while making life-sustaining decisions on my quest for true recovery and healing.

To continue onward & upward as she who broke up with alcohol.

Never Doubt Again

I am SO GLAD I passed that test! I know that I doubted myself more than I ever should have, I probably studied for hours longer than necessary, and I most definitely went around the ring with my emotions while I prepared for the exam. I truly believed at one point during the exam that I was going to let myself down and I’d have to take it again. But what happened next was, by far, one of the coolest things my body had ever done for me…

OK, so I was freaking out a bit; it must have been 15-20 minutes in to my two hour exam, I was sure I was getting questions wrong and scared to FAIL so I knew I had to lock up the emotions for a while and crank out this test. For a while now, I’ve been dealing with fight or flight response simply by, freezing. <It’s a thing that I am working on, I’ll be sure to keep you posted!!>

It’s now 47 or so minutes into the test and I happen to notice that I’m “just now on to question 30” , so what do I do? I take flight. I CLICK CLICK CLICK through the next 5 or 10 or more questions. I begin cruising through this thing; I don’t even recall what the questions were or how I felt about answering them.

I wanted to scream. I was sure I was going to FAIL and I was still behind on the question-per-minute ratio. I couldn’t scream because then I would get kicked out and be given a FAIL. So… CLICK CLICK CLICK goes the mouse… again and again. I cannot recall what any of those questions were. It must have been when the timer was 80 or 90 minutes, it was definitely less than 100 minutes on the timer when I received this huge wave take over me and encourage me to “breeeathe … breeeathe … breeeathe”

This is really tricky to even write about or share out loud but I had never ever before met my confidence in that capacity. So as weird as it sounds, truly I tell you, I physically moved the air into my mouth while I methodically breeeathed blood back to my brain and body; I felt this overwhelming sense of calm and clarity and self reflection upon which I met up with my truly confident self.

A few moments or so had gone by and I was playing around with the idea of meditating in that cubicle just a little bit longer before getting back to the test. I knew I had this under control and by this time, I’ve only got 21 questions left. I’ve heard it’s best to use up all the time on a big exam, but I was done within the final 15 minutes and there was no turning back at that point. It was time to see if there’s a PASS or FAIL on the line. The test proctor hands back my id with a smile on her face and I knew! This was a really really good day, accomplished by me.

Moments later, checking in with Trevor, he’s waiting for me just on the other side of the elevator. We are mostly too goofy for anyone else to handle. We spent a decade together learning to turn all that silly celebration inward. I cannot even explain it with words yet but me, my confident self, and my supportive husband were all too excited in realizing that all of our dreams are actually coming true. Bit by bit, step by step, we.are.doing.this.!!!

With this huge test finally out of the way and recorded as a W, we continue on towards entrepreneurship. We’ll take this tiny private practice business idea and hopefully spread the seeds outward for all of Southwest Las Vegas and beyond.. I am truly over the moon elated. My cup is overflowing with pride and courage to take on the world as a sole proprietor licensed massage therapist and bodywork practitioner.

❤ Hello Lovely, you’ve done well for yourself.”

The Potential to Speak

Hello and good day to you!! Bear with me, please for a few moments, while I offer you some of my vulnerability. I can only hope this message finds you well, because I never want you to have an encounter with me outside of authentic. No sooner than July 9, 2018 was I really able to speak about anything beyond a few superficial layers of emotions and experiences. I had no grasp on thinking twice before I spoke; often learning to not speak at all. I recognize that not everyone comes from the circumstance of domestic violence, but I also recognize that we all have to come back from some kind of circumstance in life that sticks to us, tries to hold us back, and tells us we’re no good. What I intend to provide here is a platform for more women to feel comfortable enough to speak up and grow back into their confidence. Because it feels good and is supposed to happen. We are women of worth and are deserving of this kind of care. Truly, no words in any language can sufficiently sum up or equate to the feeling of being assaulted. It is painful to speak up and it is painful to keep quiet. Often times, the keeping quiet is easier so what happens here is we learn and repattern the art of speaking with very little depth or realness to it. Why? Because having real relationships would mean we have to open up and trust again. I’m not afraid to say that I’ve tried all the tactics available for deflecting relationships, self-sabotage like behaviour, and hurting those closest to me in an attempt to keep all my boundaries up and on the attack. I’ll share all the inside details in order to bring some WELL back in yours and my personal wellbeing. I won’t lie to you, I am still finding my best voice. But ya know what, I won’t be silenced now. I’ll speak up for this kind of support from trauma, and I’ll be heard across the globe. I want you all to feel this good too because I can only tell you where I’ve come from and what hasn’t worked for me in the past. I’ve been in hiding for years because I was cuddling up with the lies that my circumstances made me believe. Today, and going forward, I’ll be speaking up about what IS POSSIBLE. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your advice. Thank you for your encouragement and trust to dream a little bigger with me!

It feels good to be lost in the right direction. -Unknown

Stay The Course Ahead

It’s been over a month since my last writing. I’ve been up to my occiput with school, sucked in to this time warp where the only thing that matters is my schooling: how to get done with school <on time & in good standing>, how to apply my schooling to my business building strategy, when school is over, will my schooling be enough to pass the national exam, what kind of schooling do I want to look at when my regular school is done??? I’m feeling like the primary contestant on “Let Me Survive This.”

Let’s chat more about the time warp, I know you know the one! It hovers above those special projects or demanding people or personal issues that creep up in our lives and then POOF! all sense of control over our own schedule is gone, gone like a fart in the wind. As the control continues to shift from firm to barely grasping, we find ourselves counter acting by snapping at those we love, wishing for more time to just sleep, falling back from our personal growth and definitely eating more cake.

Hellbent on getting back in the driver’s seat of my schedule, of my life, I’ve been considering myself “off the radar” for quite some time now – at least until school is over. I’ve still managed about 4 minutes per week browsing on the social media outlets and quickly noticed a trend amongst us. I am probably way behind the times here, BUUUT – I see that planning ahead for the future is looking like a really popular thing to do. Personally, I’ve naturally been more of a spur of the moment, on the fly, nomadic enthusiast with ongoing signs of spending rather than saving; I’ll admit that my need for the here & now has massively skewed my financial decisions throughout my adult life. Now, I’m looking for an efficient way to “plan for the future” …and the future’s future.

To be more accurate, I’m planning for our business-building future. I know I am very new to this, with minimal education about it, but I am building a business with my bare hands (and my husband’s brain). My world, <literally> is beginning at my fingertips, from my social media blog writings to the individualized massage & bodywork sessions for my clients.

So, now what? We’ve clearly established that life is chaotic on many avenues, and we have little control of our schedule right now, but how the heck can I remain so incredibly positive about the course I’m on? I never thought it would be possible, I don’t even know yet how to describe this feeling, but I’ve just recently found this encouragement within myself. Encouragement tells me that I am a young woman who now realizes the potential of her future and how to properly nourish and encourage that “plan for the future” “dreams really do come true” “girl power” lifestyle.

Ideally I’d like to immediately embrace a solution already laid out which plans for our future (and our future’s future) while living in the here & now. Can it even be accomplished that way? I think so. I think it can be done and here’s what I’ve discovered to help solidify these incredibly encouraging feelings:  

  • Making that grocery list to cover enough meals for the pay period has been super helpful in reducing our eating out / ordering in costs. Eating is a necessity and real meals, aiming to be fine dining, can be made at home for fractions of the cost! ++ bonus when it turns into a fabulous home date with the hubby.
  • There is leisure to be found in maximizing our time utilizing the Google Home Assistant. I don’t miss a beat while stumbling through this student life; she keeps me on track with my study time, drive time, sleep time, workouts when I actually get the time, reviews my schedule for me, calls out recipes, and plays me the sounds of the ocean when I feel like it. She’s been a much needed addition to my administrative staff, we call her Goo.
  • There is no shame in saying no when what we’re saying no to does not serve our purpose.
  • Begin to think deeper about: what do I value, what do I want to do, what am I good at? What steps or supplies are needed to allow it to begin to happen? Think big, and then think a little bit bigger for the final drafted plan.
  • Do not deflate when complicated information comes your way, but take advantage of our innate ability to dissect and research until it all makes sense. It will begin to make sense and  ++ bonus again, Goo will Repeat Last Sentence if you need her to.
  • Read. More. Books.  May I recommend the real books with pages that can be turned into tabs?
  • When the time is right, come out from the covering of your books and thank someone for supporting you. Without a community or some type of support system, none of this would even be possible.
  • Plan for the plan changing on a regular basis. There are going to be minute details to everything! These details will change the course by merely fractions at a time, or evolve rather to set the stage for a more solid plan. BINGO! We’re still looking at the future’s future far off into the distance and we are still directly on course.
  • When things get awkward and uncomfortable, “fake it til you make it” and “put on your big girl pants” are perfectly acceptable affirmations until Confidence kicks in again.
  • As cliche as I know this sounds, celebrate the little daily victories! Sometimes the highlight of our day is cloaked by the stresses of our week, BUUUT… then every now & again, I catch myself realizing that I’ve come so far in such a short period of time and this journey has been so enjoyable. A simple smile comes across my face and POW! Confidence kicks in.

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