NEWSFLASH !! I’ve willingly and openly shared about my love and support of the medical marijuana industry to help combat my PTSD, as well as my husband’s Bipolar II. We firmly believe that marijuana can be a healthy tool to help combat the effects of living with these (and other) circumstances. With that said, it may seem strange to hear that we’ve decided to remove marijuana from our home and continue our path toward a completely clean and sober living.
I first began smoking weed in high school, 2002 I believe and I’ve been a registered MMJ card holder since 2011-2012. I’ve openly shared my status with my family and other loved ones, publicly since 2015. They know, and now you do too, that over the last decade my primary reason for smoking weed has been to help me sleep. I don’t know all the science behind it, but marijuana can help block or suppress the dream state so I don’t feel the activity that’s happening in my dreams. Anyone living with PTSD knows what this is like and knows the debilitating / paralyzing feeling and loss of motor function when you first wake.
Throughout my life as a green queen, I managed to convince myself that weed is not actually addictive, I can quit at anytime. In my opinion and in my experience, this is false. Weed has been a dependency for most of my life and it’s been a financial strain just to maintain the habit. Much like any other vice that folks may have, I’ve made poor decisions and personal sacrifices so I could get high. So I could float away from the realities of life and continue to gloss over the past that so frequently wants to bubble up from the depths of my inner being.
My truth is that even with the daily use / nightly toke time, I’ve still been experiencing the nightmares and daytime anxiety. I can recall on too many occasions of being abruptly woken in the middle of the night because of a terrifying dream or flashback to some horrific time in my life. Many of the times when I wake like this I cannot get back to sleep, so I get up and smoke some green to get the day started. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I firmly told my husband that I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to be afraid of sleeping OR being awake. I just don’t want to be afraid anymore. (Reading back to a previous post about why I broke up with alcohol, I see some similarities in the reasons for ridding my life of the habit.)
It’s been one week since I last smoked and already I am coming to face some truths of my past. It is true that many of my nightmares are manifestations of the violence given to me by my ex or the violence I have witnessed under the influence; however, now that another layer of fog has lifted from my life, many more ‘mares are coming up from my childhood and super early years of life. Some might call it abuse, most will call it trauma, but all of us recognize it as a hard time that we have to find a way to get through. Confronting the truths of my past is not going to be easy. There are many gaps in my mind and logically I want them filled in with facts. I’ve begun to reach out and ask for clarification from my loved ones as I transition through yet another stage of recovery. For the first time, ever, in my life I am confident that a totally sober life is my clearest path to healing from my life’s circumstances.