Just recently my focus has transformed from self-doubt and worry to confidence in what can be done. I am an American woman in my early thirties and it appears to be getting more and more intricate for us to live a life in true happiness. I’ve spent thousands of dollars or hundreds of hours with highly trained professionals to confirm that life shift happens and no amount of calendar planning will avoid this. With each move we make toward the end of the rainbow, there are these storms up ahead that we have to prepare for. ←THIS is NORMAL.
My transformation was unexpected, to say the least. I really had not taken into consideration all the head trash that would find its way to the surface once the Veil of Alcohol had been lifted… the first challenge I was meant to encounter was the wedding for my sister, set to happen within the first thirty days of no alcohol. Just prior to that I was knocked off balance as I was dramatically let go from my job. On day 17, in the blink of an eye, I was side-checked by failure and rejection; seemingly in spite of the fact that I was making decisions for the betterment of my life: kicking out alcohol, moving to another state, building a fresh start and change of scenery for Hubby and myself.
By August I was feeling the crash. I was landing smack dab in the middle of my life’s problems <past and present combined and intertwined> AND … I had no alcohol to back me up or brace for the impact. I fell face to face with some serious internal stuffage and I wasn’t really prepared for the personal internal chatter that happens when the brain is no longer bathing in booze. On the inside, I was already preparing for that celebratory drink I would get to hold on July 10, 2019. Booze was one of the best friends I had to rely on and as a safety, I told myself, we would be back together again soon. <again with the internal chitter chatter>
I’ve since learned that my transformation was unintentionally activated by my decision to break up with alcohol, however temporary or permanent that decision was meant to be. I’ve since been spinning my wheels hard to the ground; charging through school after our rapid move to Vegas, on the back of my grandmother’s passing. October nearly broke me. I repeat, October nearly broke me. And so did March. With each passing day, I was feeling tested and pushed to the limits and quite frankly, pushed beyond my limits at times. The experts will tell us that this period of despair ←this is NORMAL. “It’s like a slingshot” they say, “you need to be pulled back <to max resistance> before you can be let go and propelled forward to soar in the sky.” Month by month, I was beginning to feel like I had hit my max resistance!
As I am now approaching 365 days without alcohol, I am living with my eyes wide open not only to recognize struggles we may face up ahead but also pay mad respects to reclaiming my life with happiness. I’d been living in darkness, fear and suppression for too damn long. I’ll spare you the podium talk for now, and simply say that living with love and kindness and flexibility are much more my style. These are the cornerstones of a great self-discovery & recovery plan. For me to be in such a place of stability and comfort is no joke and in all my life, I cannot recall feeling this good.
I say to you, thankfully, I never have to go back through those early phases of recovery again. The booze brain has been lifted from my senses. I can choose to say no to alcohol, minute by minute and day by day. A great counselor once said that I have permission to live in 5 hour increments while making life-sustaining decisions on my quest for true recovery and healing.
To continue onward & upward as she who broke up with alcohol.