It was mid-December 2019 when it began again. After we had a few encounters with drinks in October, we started drinking <regularly> again as a means to open up, to become more vulnerable with each other as we talked through some serious matters. Matters of the home and matters of the heart. Neither of us are entirely proud of it, but it happened. Neither myself or he will deny the fun times we have together when we are catching a little buzz and our walls have just dissolved. We are open together to discover the depths of our relationship and our chosen life together.
I know, I know, I’m not supposed to say that buuut you know, it’s true what they say about living in a relationship with alcohol: we feel this draw, this pull to lean into alcohol for all our activities. We feel the appeal and also very clearly can see the destruction that it will leave in our lives if this continues.
Since that time we’ve increased the number of drinks per week and likewise, all my anxieties & fears have crept back up like a monster from the abyss. I have to reveal that the pull of alcohol will almost always continue to try to pull me down. I certainly do NOT intend for this to continue ; I have far larger aspirations than being a little drunk bomb waiting to go off. It’s just not safe.
OH. MY. GOSH. It is a really tough swallow when I think about how far off track we’ve been with our Alcohol Free living. From the viewpoint of the rest of the world, it could look like we just don’t care to be sober living or aren’t trying hard enough to achieve it … but that just isn’t the case.
Collectively, we began drinking in our early teens. Unsupervised and regularly. As a high school student, I already had a deeper relationship with alcohol than I did with any of my peers or family members. There was almost always an opportunity to take a sip and say, “Hello” to my dear friend alcohol. Unfortunately. My heart breaks for that young teen who felt like she had nowhere to go but to the bottle. It was all very unfortunate.
I can recall plenty of phases throughout my life that I had not been drinking regularly. It’s as if I had learned <early> to get strategic with my drinking. I needed to keep on top of some personal relationships in order to maintain the balance. I knew I was too young yet to fall off the deep end. I had seen examples throughout my families, so I knew the cost that alcohol could pay in my later life. After a few times of drinking with the wrong people, I didn’t even think I would live to see my later life.
Well, I’ve made it to my later life! All I can say now is that breaking up with alcohol is not an easy thing to do. As an early-thirties, all American married woman I feel like I have a mid-teens girl inside, throwing a fit as if I am moving her away from her best friend. Millions of addicts and alcoholics across the world have spent billions of dollars supporting their habits and another millions of dollars trying to quit. It’s costly. This break up, for me, is a tricky one because I’ve been dancing with alcohol all my life. Alcohol has held me up when I’ve been at my lowest and held me even higher when I’ve achieved something worth being proud of.
I’ve told myself that I am really done drinking this time and mentally, it is exhausting to continuously repeat that and reassure myself that this IS for the best. Trevor and I have been in pursuit of this simple-family-lifestyle, so with each year that passes, as just the two of us, we feel a deeper pull and draw into raising a baby.
We are really looking forward to building this family, making a baby, carrying a baby if possible! That would be the ultimate high of our lives … which alcohol can have no part in.